Firstly, i want to say the date alone is correct on these entries, if that, the times are always out. Not impressed-not certain how to adjust it. Secondly, when people arrive unexpectedly in your life, who can know how you will deal with them? Yourself includued. Thirdly -and the topic of tonight's discussion- if those same people re-arrive, as it were, in your life - then what? Once they were people in your life, REAL characters. You interacted with them, loved them, breathed them, built your ideas around them and your outlook on the world was considerably shaped by them. Keen listeners, you may have guessed by now we're talking about the 'significant other'. The point being: they existed in your world as more than a concept, an idea, a representation - at some undefined point they moved beyond this and got close to you. Now, years on, they re-arrive. Removed as they are from your everyday experiences, your current life and outlook on the world: you have no choice but to treat them as an idea. They represent certain things to you. But these things are rooted in the past. Will they still represent these things to you? Will they fill the same objective they once did? Do you need them or; do they need you? Amongst others, words sent accross this land to me arrived tonight: "Attention. I will always love you." This man was my first love. To my best knowledge he now has another signifigant other. This man taught a young woman, that was myself, many years ago, to give my love to the world. Was he the first man I ever dared trust? Is that why I experienced love, and I dared to return it. I thought he was infallible. He wasnt. Strange as it may seem to this day, he is the only man I loved without restraint. Is that my issue, or is that common to 'first love'? Did he alone have the ability to keep all my secrets, satisfy all my desires? Not likely. So why do my actions show otherwise? Well, listeners, these are just thoughts typed on keys. Undoubtably they will evolve within this mind over time.. Just thought Id write a little tribute to you Babe. I did nothing to deserve you, many things to sabotage you and us, we were so young, so free, so uninhabited. I value all of my time with you. Your perception, your wit, charasma + genius are vivid in my memory. Not to mention a wicked sense of humour. Within the image of a Partner that I seek, I see you mirrored there. You taught me about darkness and about light. Would you say the same of me? Would you say the same of me? will you write to me at all? why did you write to me at all? S_ 00:28am 19/09/06

its late in the night and late in my life, i feel, but a dawn is coming soon. im generally a pretty manic individual, so swings in mood are not new to me, and those that know me can verify this, im sure. i cant think of a time since adolescence that ive not been like this. its something that can perhaps seem quite isolating to those that must experience it as an observer, and frustrating perhaps, because i can be intensely intimate during my highs and aggressively introverted during my lows. [i really pity anyone who has ever gotten close enough to me to experience a "shift" in my world. theres a few of you. im scared to show it to most-unfortunately i dont have control over it. but the best of you have handled it well, and gained my trust a little, i guess, in that i know youve seen the worst of me, and youre still hanging around. Or are you? everyone i speak of here is no longer in my life in this capacity. is that because u didnt want to be, or because i pushed u away. i would push u away if i feared you had the power to hurt me-and that you would have if u'd gained my trust. my psyche sucks! i want a refund!!] Point being, that beyond the ebb and flow-if you can call it that, of these drastic highs+lows i can enter "light" periods in my life and "dark" periods. because these greater periods essentially also follow the same pattern, of a sudden inescapable shift to the opposite pole, it gives me, or rather, my last crash or downward spiral, had given me an intense fear of positivity. strange as it sounds. in a rational world, any amount of positive influence would be better. but this is not rational. its emotional- uncontrollably so. the last time i crashed i must have figured i never wanted to do that again. full stop. but im feeling the current pullng me up again. i dont want to resist it this time. i want to fly again in my dreams and i havent for years. i dont want to drown. im sick of water and darkness and never being able to breathe. so ive decided to take some things for myself. there are certain specific things that i want and there is an attitude that i want to maintain, yet cant define in words. right now, my mind is flooded with thoughts of people and the impacts theyve had upon me. individual words. words upon a printed page. words spoken to me - i can hear the perfect inflection in their voice, more words - sent across a network invisible to the human senses, words i cant forget now and, will i ever? i cant decide if these are distractions or inspirations.... my body, once again, needs sleep. _S